Reflecting on Empathy

I want to share a bit about empathy, because it's been on my mind lately. I've been reflecting alot on various applications of empathy as well as noticing the impact of receiving empathy (or not) and giving empathy (or not).  I'm finding it to be a powerful tool for transforming pain, for creating change in unwanted cycles, and for know "what to do" in difficult situations. 

What is empathy?

I really enjoy this popular video from Brene Brown, explaining her take on it.

What is empathy? ​

"Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing." ~ Marshall Rosenberg

Empathy is simply being with someone (or ourselves). It is our willingness to offer our presence, in nonjudgement (wthout evaulating good or bad, right or wrong) to someone in pain (or in celebration). It's when we focus on what is happening inside someone else (or ourselves), with an openness, a curiousity.

Through an NVC lense,  empathy is a need. Humans, universally, have a need for empathy (to give it and to receive it, I think). How do I know it's a need (for me)? Simply, I feel better when someone responds to me with empathy and I feel worse (often irritated) when someone doesn't respond to me with empathy (when I want it!)

I like to understand the importance of things by connecting it's function with universal human needs. For me, so many needs are connected to receiving empathy:

the need for human warmth and presence. the need to receive attention. to receive care. to trust that I matter, that my feelings are welcome, that what is important to me is received with openness, that my whole self is accepted (even the uncomfortable parts), to be seen and heard, for my truth to be understood. . . 

For me all those needs add up to love.

Empathy is an expression of love.
To give empathy is an act of love.
To receive empathy helps me to feel loved.
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Empathy as a Practice

Lately, as I learn and apply NVC in my daily life, "empathy" has been a primary focus of my practice. Responding to others (and myself) with empathy is unfortunately not always my default reaction. As Brene Brown has said, empathy needs to be practiced. 

The thing is, although I firmly believe this kind of welcoming, nonjudgemental response is an expression of our innate humanness (that's why it's a "need"), we have been living under a culture of patriachy, which emphasizes moralistic judgement (resulting in structures of domination and power over) for up to 10,000 years (possibly 300+ generations of humans). 

So, although empathy is innate to us (as seen in children responding to pain in other children), we as adults, need to "unlearn" our judgemental programing and practice empathy as a skill. 

Not only do we need to practice as a skill (like we might practice penmenship or how to sharpen a kitchen knife), we also need to apply it as a daily practice (like yoga or meditation, even if we learn how to sharpen knives, if we don't do it regularly, they will get dull, they wont chop as well as we'd like, and we run the risk of injuring ourselves in the kitchen).​
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How to Cultivate a Daily Practice of Empathy

1. We can connect empathy to the components of NVC:
   Welcoming Judgements:
            Can I listen to their/our judgements without believing them?
   Observation:
            Can we get clear on what "triggered" them/us? 
   Feelings: 
            What are they/we feeling?
   Needs: 
            What is it that they/we are wishing for?
   Requests: 
            What might they/we want "to do" or ask for that could contribute to their wellbeing? ​
   
   
2. Part of our work is to get familar with the language of human needs and the spectrum of human emotion. It is much easier to be present to the needs alive in someone/ourselves when they are more familiar to us. It is much easier to welcome in nonjudgment their/our feelings when we can name them.
   
   To begin to learn needs and feelings words, check out this cheatsheet. Print it out and keep it around to refer to
   
   To begin to dive deeper into needs, try making your own cards.
   
   Keep an eye on this blog as I'll be sharing my reflections on each need.
   
   
3. If you want to get more active in practicing, and you want some more direct support, find a practice group near you. Google "nvc empathy practice group" and your location and see what you find. Or search on CNVC.org.
   
   If you are in Ireland, you can search on our website, NVC.ie. 
   I offer multiple practice groups, Both in DUBLIN and ONLINE:
   *Intro to Empathic Listening
   *Intro to Self Empathy
   *Exploring Empathy for Self-Healing (Coming Soon!)
   
   To increase the availablitility of support, I offer an empathy circle both in Dublin and Online.
4. For even deeper exploration of empathy and to really dig into dirt of the practice, I hiiiighly recommend that you find an empathy buddy. I have found this to be one of the simpliest, yet most effective ways to practice. The way it works is you find a friend, meet for coffee or chat on the phone or video chat, and you set a timer. One of you gets to talk for X minutes while the other practices receiving with empathy (listening) what is shared. Then you switch roles. This way, not only do you get to practice your empathy skills, but you both get the benefit of all those needs being nourished (those mentioned above). 
   
   To support you in this, I will create pdf for how to do an empathy exchange (coming soon).

The Impact of Empathy

I mentioned at the start of this post that I've been reflecting on the impact of empathy when it's given/received or not.

I've been noticing moments where empathy was not given (or it was given and not recieved) that resulted in pain, emptional distance, conflict, missed opportunities for connection, unresolved requests for support....

And, when I've noticed empathy was successfully employed, I've been consistantly impressed by the ease of connection between human hearts that I've noticed.  I've been deeply in awe of the physical shift I see on people's faces and body langauge when they feel heard, welcomed as they are. The best word I have to describe what happens when people are met with sufficient empathy is "healing". 
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Transforming Pain with Empathy Sessions

As I began to connect with the "healing" impact of receiving deep empathy, I became inspired and excited to offer this as a service. 

I have found empathy sessions to be uniquely empowering even as they are healing.  As Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, said, "People heal from their pain when they have an authentic connection with another human being."

I offer sessions both in person in Dublin and online via Zoom. Learn more here.
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Some Times I wish Empathy Were USed

Finally, I've listed some possible applications of empathy or moments when empathy could be useful (just SOME).  Writing this list was really inspiring for me, I dream a world where empathy was this ubiquitous.

• child-care
• between partners (spouses, business partners, school project partners)
• when someone is expressing pain
• in schools
• in hospitals
• in businesses
• in decision making
• when striving to respond to conflict
• when expressing regret
• when working in a group
• telling someone you didn't like something they did
• expressing gratitude
• in self-talk
• when attempting to change an unwanted habit
• motivational speaking
  
• when someone is upset
• giving feedback
• when confused 
• when asking for help, when offering help
• art/food critics
• mental health care
• when making a new friend (or saying goodbye to an old friend)
• break-ups
• funerals
• first dates
• when feeling scared