How often do we listen with the intention to understand? How often when we are listening are we actually deciding if we agree or disagree? How often when listening are we actually internally preparing our own argument?

Listening to understand is foundational to community living, as an intention, as a skill to practice, and as a capacity to increase.
I recommend exploring this series after Listening to Connect. It can be followed by Receiving Feedback.
How the series works:
This series takes place over 4 weeks and is customizable to your own pace. There are 4 sections, including a video and practices on a specific aspect of Listening to Connect.  You will be invited to practice these listening skills by applying them immediately with the people that you are currently living with (this supports us in building community where we are, now, without waiting for the "perfect" community). You will also be invited to find a listening buddy to practice with.

This series is based on NVC. Each section will also include increasing needs language and awareness. I also offer this course as an inperson workshop. Email me for details. This course is the suggested prerequisite for Receiving for Feedback. ​

I want to share a bit about empathy, because it's been on my mind lately. I've been reflecting alot on various applications of empathy as well as noticing the impact of receiving empathy (or not) and giving empathy (or not).  I'm finding it to be a powerful tool for transforming pain, for creating change in unwanted cycles, and for know "what to do" in difficult situations. 

What is empathy? ​

Empathy is simply being with someone (or ourselves). It is our willingness to offer our presence, in nonjudgement (wthout evaulating good or bad, right or wrong) to someone in pain (or in celebration). It's when we focus on what is happening inside someone else (or ourselves), with an openness, a curiousity.

Through an NVC lense,  empathy is a need. Humans, universally, have a need for empathy (to give it and to receive it, I think). How do I know it's a need (for me)? Simply, I feel better when someone responds to me with empathy and I feel worse (often irritated) when someone doesn't respond to me with empathy (when I want it!)

I like to understand the importance of things by connecting it's function with universal human needs. For me, so many needs are connected to receiving empathy:

the need for human warmth and presence. the need to receive attention. to receive care. to trust that I matter, that my feelings are welcome, that what is important to me is received with openness, that my whole self is accepted (even the uncomfortable parts), to be seen and heard, for my truth to be understood. . . 

For me all those needs add up to love.

Empathy is an expression of love.
To give empathy is an act of love.
To receive empathy helps me to feel loved.
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Lately, as I learn and apply NVC in my daily life, "empathy" has been a primary focus of my practice. Responding to others (and myself) with empathy is unfortunately not always my default reaction. As Brene Brown has said, empathy needs to be practiced. 

The thing is, although I firmly believe this kind of welcoming, nonjudgemental response is an expression of our innate humanness (that's why it's a "need"), we have been living under a culture of patriachy, which emphasizes moralistic judgement (resulting in structures of domination and power over) for up to 10,000 years (possibly 300+ generations of humans). 

So, although empathy is innate to us (as seen in children responding to pain in other children), we as adults, need to "unlearn" our judgemental programing and practice empathy as a skill. 

Not only do we need to practice as a skill (like we might practice penmenship or how to sharpen a kitchen knife), we also need to apply it as a daily practice (like yoga or meditation, even if we learn how to sharpen knives, if we don't do it regularly, they will get dull, they wont chop as well as we'd like, and we run the risk of injuring ourselves in the kitchen).​
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I mentioned at the start of this post that I've been reflecting on the impact of empathy when it's given/received or not.

I've been noticing moments where empathy was not given (or it was given and not recieved) that resulted in pain, emptional distance, conflict, missed opportunities for connection, unresolved requests for support....

And, when I've noticed empathy was successfully employed, I've been consistantly impressed by the ease of connection between human hearts that I've noticed.  I've been deeply in awe of the physical shift I see on people's faces and body langauge when they feel heard, welcomed as they are. The best word I have to describe what happens when people are met with sufficient empathy is "healing". 
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As I began to connect with the "healing" impact of receiving deep empathy, I became inspired and excited to offer this as a service. 

I have found empathy sessions to be uniquely empowering even as they are healing.  As Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, said, "People heal from their pain when they have an authentic connection with another human being."

I offer sessions both in person in Dublin and online via Zoom. Learn more here.
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Finally, I've listed some possible applications of empathy or moments when empathy could be useful (just SOME).  Writing this list was really inspiring for me, I dream a world where empathy was this ubiquitous.

• child-care
• between partners (spouses, business partners, school project partners)
• when someone is expressing pain
• in schools
• in hospitals
• in businesses
• in decision making
• when striving to respond to conflict
• when expressing regret
• when working in a group
• telling someone you didn't like something they did
• expressing gratitude
• in self-talk
• when attempting to change an unwanted habit
• motivational speaking
  
• when someone is upset
• giving feedback
• when confused 
• when asking for help, when offering help
• art/food critics
• mental health care
• when making a new friend (or saying goodbye to an old friend)
• break-ups
• funerals
• first dates
• when feeling scared

The first book I'm recommending in this series is Social: Why Our Brains are Wired to Connect ​by Matthew Lieberman.

There were definitely some new words I needed to look up. I would jot the definitions in the margins near the words, but there were not so many that it intruded on the experience of reading. There were a lot of names for the regions of the brains that I didn't know, but he defines these for you and reminds you again and again throughout the book so it didn't feel alienating. It felt like learning not like I needed a certain level of preknowledge to understand what he was saying. (So science-y but accessible!)

The author shares plenty of fun stories from his own life and research to illustrate the points he's making, including embarrassing college stories!  His voice is present through out the book, which is really helpful; it feels like chatting with your smart friend over coffee when they are gleefully explaining their passion.

It was so interesting I found it difficult to put down; I burned through it pretty quickly. I haven't been able to stop talking about it!
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After you've read it, let me know what you think down below! :D