So, there's an area of my life that I have not been feeling very good about. Things aren't going how I wanted them to go. I have been pushed and pulled within myself to respond to this situation in different ways. Sometimes I want to quit completely, "let it go", and focus my energy on other things. Sometimes, I want to dig in and try to change the experience. I have alot of self judgement about this because it's a pattern that I've noticed repeating over my life. It wouldn't be a big deal, except it's about a topic that I care very much about. 

So, I basically have done nothing at all, either way, for almost 10 months. And that doesn't help me to feel good about myself either. 

It's particularly "up" for me right now because of some things that have happened recently (I'm sorry this is so vague, but it includes other people so I don't feel comfortable sharing more details than this.) 

Since it's been more in my face lately, I decided to take some time this morning to look at it. Because I noticed this as a pattern I've experienced, I had a suspicion that there was an unconscious belief contributing to my experience. I wanted to find out what that was.  I'm going to share that here so you can try it out too, if you want. 

1. Free Write
   The first thing I did was journal, freely. I wrote about two or three pages in my journal without censorship. I wrote whatever came to mind, without trying too much to "solve" anything or to direct the flow of my thoughts. I did this until I felt complete (or in this specific instance, until my pen ran out of ink.)
   
   
2. Welcoming My Judgments
   So, here, I made a list on my paper of all the judgements, beliefs, or thoughts that were coming up about the issue. This was pretty easy to do because I had just journaled about the topic, so they were pretty close to the surface of my consciousness. I didn't write too much here, just a bulleted list, without hesitation, blame, or hiding from the reality of my thoughts. It looked something like this:
   * People don't follow through.
   * People don't do what they say they will do.
   * I can't depend on anyone.
   * I'll be disappointed.
   * It's better not to open up or I'll be left hanging.
   * I can't trust anyone to be there for me, consistantly.
   * Good intentions aren't enough.
   * I'll be left alone.
   * Don't bother trying.
   
   Although some childhood and early adulthood memories were surfacing, in connection with some of these beliefs, I didn't indulge in diving into the "story". I already know those stories (and I already did that in the journaling piece.) So, I just jotted down this list until it felt "finished". 
   
   
3. "Classic NVC"
   I then chose the belief that felt the most charged, the one that triggered the strongest reaction in my body. In my case it was "I can't trust anyone to be there for me, consistently." That word "consistently" was ringing really strongly for me. 
   
   I then did my best to frame this belief into traditional NVC. I connected with my feelings, and needs. I tried to make a clear observation. I didn't bother with making a request as that did not feel relevant quiet yet. I found that I needed a little help so I looked over the Needs Inventory from CNVC.org.  That helped me to make a list of needs, which I could then narrow down. That looked something like: 
   
   Support, connection, community, belonging, nurturing, trust, mutuality, security, stability, integrity, to matter, consistency...
   
   Then, I could stand back and have a look at the list and see what jumped out at me. I noticed that some needs like community and belonging were not so.. relevant. I noticed that some needs kind of merged together to form a larger need, for example, I really resonated with support, security and stability, I saw that they were not separate, they were part of a larger whole... safety. 
   
   So, then I plugged all this in and started expressing. That looked like: 
   "I want to be cared for. I want to matter. I want to trust your presence will be available, when I need it, not just sometimes." 
   
   And that is when I connected to the core unmet need. Presence. I was longing for more presence.
   
   If you are wondering "how" I knew that, trust me, you will know. There is this inner feeling of resonance, of "that's it!" and there is usually an accompanying emotion or physical shift. In this case, I felt relieved (to name it was a relief) and I felt a deep, cold, old pocket of sadness open up. 
   
   That's when I knew it was time to move into the next step.
   
   
4. Mourning
   Quite simply, I let myself grief that my need for presence was not met how I really longed for it to be met. That looked like sitting still in a busy cafe with my eyes closed as emotion bubbled up. That looked like me writing the following sentence in my journal, to try to clarify and express the mourning that was rolling through me. And as a way to give it permission to express. 
   
   "I'm so sad and lonely an discouraged because the presence I long for has not always been available when I wanted it."
   
   I sat with that emotion and longing until it felt "complete". It didn't actually take that long, maybe 3-5 minutes.
   
   
5. Expressing the Beauty of the Need
   Now, I turned my attention to the beauty of the need: Presence. Wow. Presence is a wonderful thing. What does presence feel like, it it's richness? In it's fullness? 
   
   At first, this was really difficult to do. My mind panicked that I had no possible idea what it could feel like to experience full presence. I knew that wasn't true though, so, I asked myself to remember when I had experienced presence in the past. 
   
   At first there was nothing, just blackness. Then a memory surfaced, and warmth filled my heart. 
   
   I remembered a moment in college when I was visiting a women's temple in Portland Oregon. Just as I rang the bell, the door opened and a delightful lady I am still friends with today greeted me. The thing is... she hadn't planned on being there, she just stopped by spontaneously. If she hadn't been there, no one would have been there to greet us. She was there. Here presence contributed to our education and the experience that we had. She gave us a tour and answered our questions. Her laugh touched my heart. Her presence touched my heart.
   
   I had my answer. Presence is being there. Suddenly, more memories surfaced of times other people had been there. My grandfather was present for me when I was in college. My sister as a kid. Long phone calls with my friend Erin Mackley in my early 20s. And that's when the free expression from the beauty of the need rolled out of my heart onto the page.
   
   "I so long for people to be there-- not necessarily to do something specific, but, to just be there. To open the door when I knock. To answer the phone when I call, to pick me up from the airport, to...
   to be a consistent presence in my life, over time, over changes, even without understanding. 
   Love is presence. Love is showing up."
   
   

And then I was finished. I allowed myself some stillness in connecting with that beauty and then. All in all this process took less than an hour. I went on with my day. I still need to come back to the original issue that triggered this and see if some clarity has arrived for me. I think I'll be more able to make a choice. 

Last summer, I attended an NVC training taught by Yoram Mosenzon. I learned so much and enjoyed his teaching style so much that I signed up for his year long course which will be starting this fall! 

There was one sentence that he said at one point that SO resonated with me that it has been repeating in my head for over a year now. He said "We need to break the habit of staying alone with our pain."

That struck me as so profound. And so accurate. Experiencing pain is not a unique thing that I and only I experience! And yet I'm hiding my pain, as if it doesn't exist, as if I were ashamed of it. As if when someone asks me "How are you?" they wouldn't want to hear the truth. And the tragic reality is, I was treating myself far worse than I would ever treat another. I would never ever tell even a stranger to hide their pain and sorrow, to struggle under the burden all on their own. I would always, every time, encourage reaching out or at the very least admitting their struggle. Humans are pack animals, I have often said. "Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" is impossible, a dramatically damaging mythology. I would never ever counsel someone to do so and yet there I was, insisting that I struggle under my own emotional burdens alone.

Even though it was rolling around in my head for months and months, it wasn't until the past few weeks that I really started applying this.  What does that look like? I've been honest when I'm in pain, I've been admitting when I'm sad or lonely, and I've been asking for connection. I've been taking people up on their offers of support. I've been open to linger for a moment when someone chats with me. I've been inviting people to my home for tea or out for coffee. I've been sending messages for long distance chats.... in short I haven't been hiding. 

And I'm experiencing transformation. Just this past week alone, I've made friends with my downstairs neighbor, I've had several offers of support and connection, and even an invitation to collaborate on my work! 

But what have I done differently?? Not much really. I'm not even asking myself to form a new habit, that somehow sounds impossible and scary. I'm only asking myself to break the habit I have had of staying alone with my pain. I'm asking myself to interrupt that habit with a new choice. And it can be any choice! Just something that is not in the flow of hiding and struggling alone. 

This month I and members of my Developing Self Love Practice Group are taking on this as our monthly challenge. The challenge is just what I've shared above.

Interrupt the pattern of staying alone in your pain. ​Break the habit. Make a different choice, any different choice. Don't worry yet about making a new pattern or creating a new habit. For now... let's focus on interrupting and breaking our past pattern that keeps us alone. 

I invite you to look at this in your own life as well.

Are you staying alone in your pain? Are you stuck in a habit of hiding your struggles?

Some ways you might explore this:

• Do you have a habit of staying alone in your pain?? 
  
• What does this habit look like in your life? 
  
• How does it affect you? 
  
• Try noticing when you are staying alone in your pain and try making a different choice, any different choice. Be a scientist! What happens if I do this instead of what I would normally do?

If you want support in addressing this challenge, come and join our practice group.  In our practice group, we will all be working on this challenge in our lives, in solidarity and support of each other. We'll be welcome to post in the group what we are doing to break this habit and how it goes. We'll have opportunity to receive empathy if we need it. And, we'll encourage each other.

Comment below how it goes for you, I'd really love to hear examples from how this touches your lives and hearts.