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Committed to Nonviolence: Relating to Myself

1/20/2021

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What strategies do I have for supporting myself to
keep my heart open to myself?

How do I support myself when I notice self judgement?
When I notice difficulty in connecting to my own needs or the needs of others?

What avenues of support are currently in my life,
when I want support to reconnect with myself? 

What avenues of support might I want to make?

These are some questions we explored on last nights "Relating to Myself" exploration of the Core Commitments to Nonviolence zoom call. 

This was the first of 34 zoom calls that we will be exploring over the course of the year. Join us for this weekly series as we explore the Core Nonviolence Commitments. These 6 weeks we will be looking at the "Relating to Myself" commitments and how to apply them in our lives.  This series is part of a year-long 5 part series, later parts will be linked to from here eventually.
What to expect:
  • Each 2-hour call will include an introduction to the commitment, digesting the information in a listening pair (empathic listening practice!), the opportunity to receive coaching from Selene, and practices to apply the commitment over the coming week. 
  • There are no prerequisites for this series AND if you have done some empathic listening practice and/or basic NVC it will be helpful.
  • This is a drop in style series. You don't need to commit to each call, come as you are able. There will be a recording of each session shared. 
  • These calls are meant to be introductions to the commitments and getting started with basic practices. If you’d like to explore a more in-depth look at these commitments (with 3 sessions per commitment!) I invite you to check out this program by some colleagues.
  • These calls will be recorded. These calls are open to the public and to NGL community members.
  • I invite you to read this learning packet  as we go.
Access the Recordings and Live Calls
Contribution to Selene's Financial Needs:
My preference is to move towards gift economy. For me, this is an application of needs consciousness that is at the core of this work. I'm happy to receive whatever you feel comfortable to give while also asking that you consider my financial needs. The idea is that you choose a number that balances both our needs. I have publicly shared my financial needs so that you can make a grounded decision.

My preference would be that everyone connected with themselves to find an amount that balances both our needs, and I'm aware that may take time and energy that not everyone has. If you prefer not to choose a number yourself, here is a suggestion: 0€ -20€

Learn more about this here:
http://www.vibrantlyalive.me/enter-into-gift-economy-with-me.html
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Shifting from Scarcity to Life’s Essence

1/15/2021

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I have been oriented towards community living as a dream for over ten years, long before I started my NVC journey. In fact, part of my motivation for working to learn and integrate NVC was so that I could one day, when I eventually live in community, use it. I wanted to live in community and didnt know how to get there, so I thought I could at least upskill in NVC. So that when the opportunity finally came, I NVC would be the contribution I could give to my much longed for community. 

In recent years, I have oriented towards community living a little differently, through the needs-paradigm underpinning NVC. At first, the motivations behind my interest in community living was unclear. When I heard that “community” is one of the Universal Human Needs, I felt an “ah-ha”, this is why! 

It made sense finally. As a lonely child, “community” was a long-term unmet need. A need that frequently, for stretches of years, when unmet. One of my NVC teachers, Yoram Mosenson talks about the “Life Project”, that one particular need that is so alive in us that attending to it becomes the project of our lives. When I first heard that it was easy for me to name “community” as the “life project” for me. 

So, I began orienting towards it, determined to “meet” this need, finally; utterly unclear as to how.

I used to rant about people using the word "incorrectly". I was so frustrated in NVC workshops, when at the close of the workshop, we went around the circle naming which needs had been “met” by the workshop, learning, understanding, connection,... community. And hearing this word used in this way stimulated me. I would rant the whole car ride home, about how people are so disconnected from community that they don't even know what it is. That because they have a weekend experiencing intimacy and connection it must be community. “They are not going to see these people ever again! We don't have long term connections or shared work! This is not a community, this is a group of people that paid money to learn something and they had a nice time so they are calling it a community. It's not a community stop calling it that!”
​

When the pandemic started, I circled back to this need for community, and this time, the judgements went inward. What the fuck are you doing Selene? You KNOW this kind of stuff is just going to keep happening and getting worse as climate change intensifies. You have been wanting to live in community for so long and still you aren’t. You never do anything, you have no one to blame but yourself for this. 

So when the opportunity came to move to a community on farm land, I jumped at it without hesitation. I lived there for about 3 months, give or take a week. And just this week, I decided to pause living there, to rest and prepare for another community living experiment coming up in April.

What happened that I could go from insisting on living in community no matter what to choosing to step out of that community for a 2 month break? 

Well, if you read back the way I was orienting towards community as a human need, community as a thing that I desperately wanted for, you may notice that I was orienting from the scarcity of the need. I was making choices, forming judgements, and seeing the world through my lens of the LACK of community. Of community as being impossible, something I (and everyone else) definitively DONT HAVE. 

The strategies that come to mind as we attempt to attend to a need, when we are standing in a place of scarcity are less likely to bring us to the world we actually want. 

While the judgements that were raging in my head may or may not have been “accurate”, they were expressions of my pain and fear and loss. They were unexpressed mourning. 

After a few months of actually experiencing living in community, and actively shifting almost 100% of my work energy towards supporting community living in the world, my orientation to this is different. I’ve had a taste of what this need may feel like, when in abundance. What this need can feel like, when it is frequently nourished. What life can feel like, when I am surrounded by “community”. What the world might look like, if we all “had” it. 

Separate from this need being met or not, in scarcity or in abundance, I am now in contact with the essence of the life energy which we sometimes name “community”.* This essence lives in me and speaks through me. 

And now, when I connect to that essence, the strategies that come to me to fill my days and use my energy are different. The lens I see the world through has shifted. And it is this difference, this essence, that I hope to share with you all, in the coming blog posts, in my workshops, in my own community living and consulting. 
​

*This understanding of needs comes to me through Robert Gonzales, whom I strongly recommend learning from.
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Selene's Needs Based Intention Setting Process

1/9/2021

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Selene is sharing her annual practice of setting intentions for the coming year based on the needs she wants to nourish. She'll walk you through the process she uses to move from needs to strategies and goal setting.

What to expect:
Listen to the recording of the live event where we worked with a series of questions in empathic listening pairs, so come prepared to share and explore and support each other. Bring a needs list or set of cards.  You can explore these questions with an friend or in a journal.  There are no prerequisites for engaging with this process AND if you have done some basic NVC it will be helpful.

This process is based on NVC. It is one way to integrate needs consciousness, to take your undrstanding of needs another step deeper. I also offer this course as an in-person or zoom workshop that can be requested. Email me for details. 
Access the Materials Here
​Contribution to Selene's Financial Needs:
My preference is to move towards gift economy. For me, this is an application of needs consciousness that is at the core of this work. I'm happy to receive whatever you feel comfortable to give while also asking that you consider my financial needs. The idea is that you choose a number that balances both our needs. I have publicly shared my financial needs so that you can make a grounded decision.

My preference would be that everyone connected with themselves to find an amount that balances both our needs, and I'm aware that may take time and energy that not everyone has. If you prefer not to choose a number yourself, here is a suggestion: 5€ - 20€

Learn more about this here:
http://www.vibrantlyalive.me/enter-into-gift-economy-with-me.html
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Listening to Understand: Online Course Available

10/16/2020

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How often do we listen with the intention to understand? How often when we are listening are we actually deciding if we agree or disagree? How often when listening are we actually internally preparing our own argument?

Listening to understand is foundational to community living, as an intention, as a skill to practice, and as a capacity to increase.

I recommend exploring this series after Listening to Connect. It can be followed by Receiving Feedback.
How the series works:
This series takes place over 4 weeks and is customizable to your own pace. There are 4 sections, including a video and practices on a specific aspect of Listening to Connect.  You will be invited to practice these listening skills by applying them immediately with the people that you are currently living with (this supports us in building community where we are, now, without waiting for the "perfect" community). You will also be invited to find a listening buddy to practice with.

This series is based on NVC. Each section will also include increasing needs language and awareness. I also offer this course as an inperson workshop. Email me for details. This course is the suggested prerequisite for Receiving for Feedback. ​
Access the Course

​Contribution to Selene's Financial Needs:

My preference is to move towards gift economy. For me, this is an application of needs consciousness that is at the core of this work. I'm happy to receive whatever you feel comfortable to give while also asking that you consider my financial needs. The idea is that you choose a number that balances both our needs. I have publicly shared my financial needs so that you can make a grounded decision.

My preference would be that everyone connected with themselves to find an amount that balances both our needs, and I'm aware that may take time and energy that not everyone has. If you prefer not to choose a number yourself, here is a suggested sliding scale: 20€ - 50€

Learn more about this here:
http://www.vibrantlyalive.me/enter-into-gift-economy-with-me.html
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    Selene Aswell
    GIFT ECONOMY COACH

    Selene is a facilitator, speaker, and coach. 

    Her work, based on NVC, is focused on needs-consciousness raising and integrating nonviolence into human relationships and communities.
    ​More about Selene. . .

    Book Selene
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    SHUA YOUNKIN
    Mindfulness COACH

    Shua has lived in intentional communities for most of the last decade.

    Shua has been actively integrating NVC for 13 years. Shua 
    enjoys building and fixing things, contact improv, practicing Focusing, and regenerative agriculture.

    ​More about Shua. . .
    Book Shua
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